In the magazine business, the back page is the place to find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are indirectly related to the content of the magazine.”
We don’t have (paper) pages on the web, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular Back Page feature. Today Stewart explores the problems of the little pink ball with trees, or with one particular tree…
Mario has Bowser. Samus has Ridley. Even in the Pit there is Hades. But Kirby saves every last drop of his boundless contempt for… some random tree.
Why? This is an appropriate question. Why-oh-why does Kirby hate that tree so much? Seriously, what’s his problem? In every adventure, almost always, he refuses to even get up in the morning, unless specifically to kill the hell out of that unfortunate tree.
Unfortunately, Kirby’s motivations for this, like much of his behavior, are an absolute mystery. However, it’s up to us chroniclers of Nintendo minutiae to explore this deepest and one-sided rivalry and try to come to some sort of understanding.
Let’s start by looking at the very first appearance of the Whispy Woods; ur-Woods, who subsequently reported three decades of brutal violence between a pink blob and a brown sapling. Well, a snotty green sapling, we suppose, given that the original Kirby’s Dream Land was released for a monochrome handheld Game Boy in late 1992…
Kirby falls in the path of this tree and immediately goes on the offensive. However, Whispy looks like an apple tree and many bugs fly off its branches, falling on Kirby and dealing damage on impact.
But can Whispy Woods be justifiably blamed for what appears to be a beneficial effect? the force of gravity? We say no – Kirby’s reaction of sucking apples and throwing them back in Whispy’s face is a ridiculous overreaction and, as far as we know, grounds for his arrest.
Whispy desperately tries to ward off Kirby by blowing air at him, but to no avail, as Kirby rolls the poor guy on the ferry, spewing his own apples at him, until he gets so badly beaten and bruised that starts crying.
You wouldn’t hit a tree with your glasses, would you?
After a nearly identical appearance in Kirby’s Adventure, Whispy returned in 1995’s Kirby’s Dream Land 2, this time wearing fake glasses and a face mask, to try and distract Kirby from the inevitable beating.
“Look!” he seems to be crying silently and desperately: “I some other tree!”
But this is not good. Kirby throws off his disguise and smashes the ill-fated conifer again. While Whispy fights back more this time around—self-defense instincts see Whispy twisting its roots until they burst outward in an attempt to impale the attacker—a rather one-sided model of harm has been established.
Still think Kirby is cool?
It wasn’t until the release of Super Nintendo’s Dream Land 3 in late 1997 that Whispy Woods finally got angry and refused to “tolerate it” any longer.
He uproots his roots from the ground, adopts a much more aggressive expression, and furiously pursues Kirby, spitting fruit and vegetables at him, showing real stray cat energy. Unfortunately, this doesn’t help, since Kirby returns the projectiles to the sender rather easily.
A valiant attempt to defend himself, but Kirby wins again. Why should there be this hatred?
When will I be 64
Kirby officially crosses the line in The Crystal Shards when Whispy in the center of the stage watches his three “Whispy Juniors” play happily in a small clearing, after which Kirby proceeds to KILL THEM.
Yes, he sucks up the apples that Whispy tries to feed his family with and uses them as clubs to KILL CHILDREN. This quite rightly causes Whispy to support him, and he unleashes his most aggressive attack, with apples raining from all sides and sharp roots bursting out of the ground below again.
Can you really blame him!? What monster are we dealing with here?!?
Lead the tank to the apple brawl
Speaking of border crossing, Kirby’s behavior towards Whispy in Kirby’s Epic Yarn is downright redundant because he tank shape.
The Puffball Panzer then starts scattering the fruit-picking fruitless Whispy’s apples. It’s actually frustrating how one-sided it is. Come on Kirby! Pick someone your size.
Oh yeah, Whispy is about ten times your size. Forgot.
After a terrifying 10v1 fight with a dual-screen Whispy courtesy of Kirby Mass Attack, you might be forgiven for thinking Kirby is taking it easy with the flaming tree for a while. Haha. Well, it’s a joke. Of course not. His bloodlust has only just begun, as in Kirby’s Return to Dream Land, he marches on Whispy with a squad of Meta Knight, Dedede, and Waddle Dee and proceeds to utter annihilation. body to him.
This time, however, there is a twist – Whispy tries to beat Kirby at his own game and suck him up, getting bigger in the process.
However, if you think it will work, I can sell you the bridge. And it’s made of wood.
Later still, in Kirby: Triple Deluxe, Kirby has the ability to spin the Flower Forest glowing for ages, when Whispy took advantage of the Nintendo 3DS’s ability to become spectacularly multicolored, plastered with bountiful bouquets of gorgeous flowers. .
Naturally, Kirby took this opportunity to be absolutely ruthless, inflicting painful blows on the no doubt desperate tree. Not to mention the eye fatigue that stereoscopic 3D gave him in early versions of the 3DS.
We can restore it
After all these years of hideous violence, Whispy had to replace all the insides of his tree with cybernetics in order to stay alive. Exodus? One Ringing Woods.
Essentially a mecha version of the Whispy, Clanky Woods (and the later, tougher Clanky Woods 2.0) are the apotheosis of Whispy’s repressed aggression. Basically, it turns the arena into a death trap, like some kind of massive plane tree. Saw movie.
But lest we forget; it was Kirby who pushed Whispy Woods into it. Become something else. Something new. Something dedicated death.
Save the rainforest
With the release of Kirby and the Forgotten Land coming soon, it’s become apparent that even after some sort of extinction, Kirby can’t bring himself to simply ally with Whispy Woods, who, we might add, is a source of unlimited food. You see, Kirby would rather starve to death than let that tree live.
It’s a huge shame, but if there’s anything consistent with Kirby’s series it’s his white-hot, searing HATE for Whispy Woods, whose sin against Kirby seems… literally nothing.
Kirby eviland we hope that eventually there will be a game where Whispy wins the long-awaited victory over the salmon calamity.
But it won’t. Whispy Woods exists to suffer. Ex nihilo nihil fit. Poyo!!