To all the low level enemies that I have killed

Image: Nintendo Life

Over the holidays, we are re-posting some of our best articles, interviews, opinions, and talking points from the previous 12 months. from both employees and participants – Articles that we think represent our best of 2021. In them you will find our usual mixture of thoughtfulness, frivolity and retro. expertise, nostalgia for games and, of course, enthusiasm for everything related to Nintendo.

In the magazine business, on the back page you can find all the weird doodles that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call this “filler”; we prefer “full page to make terrible jokes indirectly related to the content of the magazine.”

We don’t have webpages, but we still love horrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular Back Page feature.

Slimes. Goombas. Pjays. Gelatin cubes. Mud crabs. Life has always been difficult for creatures at the bottom of the food chain in video games. They exist to make us feel strong and they exist to do we are strong.

At the beginning of the game, they can serve as easy feed for farming experience and testing our new combat abilities; they can make the area populated without being overwhelming for players just starting out on their journey. By the end or even in the middle of the game, they are nothing more than snails that you accidentally crushed with your boots on your way to the supermarket.

What a life: constantly low-level, doomed to never grow up, never reach heights higher than the “ordinary fool”. But you know what’s the worst? Many of these poor, doomed, weak beings are based on real animalsand these animals do not even suspect that we consider them nothing more than fauna.

Mud crab?  More like a Misunderstood Crab
Mud crab? More like a Misunderstood Crab

Considering it’s Crab News Thursday, I want to start with our little pinched friends. In real life, crabs are small but powerful, capable of delivering blows that, at the very least, require a significant amount of plaster. In video games, crabs are stupid little weaklings who rarely have more than 50 hp who can be killed with barely a blow to the head.

And of course, most of the crabs you’ll find on Norfolk Beach are tiny ones that you can boil in a bucket without worrying, but do you have visible spider crabs and coconut crabs? Based on this article, I found by searching for “can a pinch of crabs kill you?” coconut crab is capable killing whole birds I’m not much more than a bird!

"Just so you know, I only caught you to feed my much, MUCH stronger Pokemon."
“Just so you know, I only caught you to feed my much, MUCH stronger Pokemon.”

Speaking of our bird buddies, in Pokemon games, almost all of them start with the same thing: here’s a little bird named Pidgie, or Pidov, or Piflamingo, which exists solely to train your starting Pokemon to taste blood. It doesn’t matter that there is an entire Hitchcock film dedicated to how horrible birds can be, especially if they know where all the soft parts of your face are – what have birds ever done to deserve a punching bag role for the entire series?

Bats, birds, beetles, bandits and blots: we considered them weak, trivial and hardly worth our time for decades. We occasionally get treatment or subversive play, like the Big Green Chuchu in The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap or Goombella, Goomba’s friendly, almost humanoid companion in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, but that’s usually the exception to the rule. We seem to have just come to a consensus that certain beings are inferior life forms and deserve an unceremonious death.

Socialism?  More like slime
Socialism? More like slime

If I felt a little more verbose and annoying, I could turn this play into an eradication of, uh, capitalism or something. You know how the strong (bosses) use the labor of the needy (torment) to do their dirty work (harassing the hero), and how the working class (torment) needs to seize the means of production (… Bowser’s flamethrower), or something). But today is Thursday, and I don’t feel like it, so you write it yourself, okay?

My point of view is this: each hero’s journey is built on a mountain of corpses that were so insignificant to you that they were barely noticed as a mark on your radar, and this is what the developers to want think and feel. This is why there are so many low-level monsters – slugs, because a spoonful of mayonnaise is difficult to humanize. But I tell you dear developers that you give a bad reputation to too many real animals. Why does Pokemon constantly use birds and insects? What does Bethesda have against crabs? And why do low-level soldiers in The Witcher 3 always have chicken sandwiches in their pockets? The last question is not really relevant, I’m just curious.

Goombas deserve love too, right?
Goombas deserve love too, right?

But things have been getting better lately for level 1 villains. With monster raising games like Slime Rancher, Viva Piñata, and Stardew Valley – in which you can trap a bunch of slimes in a paddock to grow them for their precious slime – the baby care market, instead of just stomping on them over and over again, is growing. Many people, myself included, want to take care of crabs and birds, not kill them.

I’m far from the first to suggest that gaming violence is getting a little boring, and that new trendy thing – spending time caring for animals insteadbut I still want to add my voice to the call.

If anyone can create games and is still reading this: give me a crab farming game please. Let me make up for all the murder I committed.

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