Gaming

Ranking Kirby and The Forgotten Land enemies by how badly I don’t want to kill them

In the magazine business, the back page is the place to find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are indirectly related to the content of the magazine.”

We don’t have (paper) pages on the web, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular Back Page feature. Today, Kate speaks out against the morality of killing cute little guys in Kirby…


I’ve been playing Kirby and the Forgotten Land a lot lately, and while it’s not exactly a difficult game in terms of mechanical difficulty, very much morally difficult.

You see, Kirby is a small pink ball of indeterminate appearance, and his friends, Waddle Dee, are also small plush creatures, similar to different but similar variety. It’s very difficult to tell exactly what counts as a “friendly plush” and “evil enemy plush” other than the simple question “Are they currently trying to kill you?” Even then, I’m not sure I should kill them back.

Are these other beings really “bad”? They all coexisted peacefully before Kirby appeared and devoured them. Am I, like Kirby, bringing some terrible order to a happy, chaotic world, seeking to turn this post-apocalyptic paradise into the city of Waddle Dee? I’m some war criminal?

To assuage my conscience, I’ve compiled a ranked list of all of Kirby’s enemies, where F-level means “no, these guys deserve to die” and S-level means “people who choose to kill these cuties.” real monsters. I would like to ask you all to send a printout of this article to the HAL lab to beg for mercy.

F TIER: These guys deserve to die

Rodent

Rodent

I feel like I’m starting out pretty rough because Rodent really doesn’t want to start a fight if he can help. These big guys patrol the islands and can’t be inhaled or defeated – they can only be dodged, but if you get too close, they’ll eat you. Technically, if you run them over with a boat, they won’t be a problem for you, but I feel like Kirby – a literal god – should be able to take on a crocodile.

Shotzo

Shotzo

They are just cannons with legs. I don’t know how they got there – maybe their mother was a bigger gun – but they are one of nature’s faults. The only thing that redeems them is their cute little feet, but that’s no excuse. Mosquitoes also have small legs and suck as best they can.

flour
Image: IGN

flour

To be honest, any enemy based on a creepy grimacing monkey with a toy/torture device could go right into the bin.

E TIER: I don’t feel bad about it

Balloon Meister

Balloon Meister

I think it might be a personal vendetta, but I hate the Balloon-Meister, the bomb-throwing sea lion, more than I think most people do.

It’s because I love seals: they are round and soft and very stupid and they spend all day lying on the beach screaming. They are fantastic! Sea lions, on the other hand, are weird and shiny, not as soft. And the thing is, I go to aquariums ready to hang out with zucchini, and there’s always a damn sea lion, with his massive flippers and lean body, balancing a ball on his nose like it’s normal. Not! Is not!

You are not seals and I resent you for that.

mummies
Image: IGN

mumbi

Mummies are scary! They follow you around the level with their creepy red eyes, and I hate them. Sorry, but these guys should go back to their sarcophagi and leave Kirby alone. Their only merit is that they are round, which is a good shape.

Kabu

Kabu

It’s hard to feel too bad about killing enemies that appear to be inanimate objects, or at least non-sentient. Kabu it anywhere in the Forgotten Land, and while I’m a bit sorry that he’s being used as a filler enemy that’s pretty easy to kill, I don’t feel bad about killing him. He is a sand castle.

Poisonous Croacom

Poisonous Croacom

I haven’t fought this guy yet, but he doesn’t look nice. He looks like he’s pissed off about the length of the queue, or like someone who scolds people for eating bananas in public. In addition, it is covered in poison. This is the type of character that will call the police for tricks or treats. I hate him.

ghost step
Image: IGN

ghost step

I haven’t fought this guy either, but I don’t have many ghost enemies chasing me. Listen, you’re already dead! Leave me alone or you’ll get a double death!

snnacker
Image: IGN

snnacker

You might be thinking, “How bad can a snake be? He’s just a snake, and snakes are cute.” I agree with you! The snakes are cool! But I think Sssnacker belongs to Tier E for one reason in particular: DIGESTING THINGS IS *MY* BUSINESS. Back off, snake boy.

twister
Image: IGN

twister

It’s just a little wind, isn’t it? I don’t feel bad for killing the wind.

D TIER: Meh, not a big loss

dekabu

Big Kaboo

Kabu is level E because Kabu is a sandcastle with a face. Big Kaboo is categorized D because she is the mother of the Kabu (who come out of her mouth). Killing mothers is ethically a little worse than killing… their children… right? Oh my God.

Digguh

Digguh

I like moles. But this guy is a bit of a creepy mole, and he keeps trying to kill me with his drill. Also, and I’m sorry to say this, his design isn’t that cute.

Fanta
Image: IGN

Fanta

Another bloody ghost that won’t leave you alone. This one is at least cuter than the others, so it was promoted to level D.

Tortorner

Tortorner

He’s just a turtle stuck in a piece of concrete. I’m a little embarrassed to kill him, mostly because it requires driving a spike into his shell and then into his soft body, but he started it by trying to bite me.

Tortenga
Image: IGN

Totenga

What if the cactus hated you? This is the question that Totenga asks. I haven’t fought him yet, but I don’t care if he lives or dies because when I was a kid, a cactus fell into my bed while I was sleeping and I had to pick the thorns out of my skin for days. Don’t ask me why there is a cactus near my bed! CAN A CHILD SLEEP NEXT TO A CACTUS WITHOUT FEARING?


Turn to page two to see C-level all the way to S-level, which will take you from “vaguely humanoid, inconvenient to kill” to “WHICH MONSTER WILL KILL THIS CREATURE?!”…




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