In the magazine business, the back page is the place to find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are indirectly related to the content of the magazine.”
We don’t have (paper) pages on the web, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular Back Page feature. Today we delve into the story of the elusive, fickle man who is the legendary “Nintendo Uncle”…
Uncle. Maybe yours, maybe your friend. Maybe the uncle of someone who goes online by the name MIYAM0T0S_HAIR.
You know that one. No, not the one everyone saw enthusiastically dancing to Steps at a birthday party in this viral video. Another, one who somehow was never mentioned until the very moment when their existence was needed to outdo someone in a game-related dispute, often on the playground. His. Someone who works for Nintendo. What was his name again?
Uncle Nintendo – Male
This flashy and mysterious (but definitely real) relative doesn’t do any of the boring jobs you usually see advertised for a large publisher/developer hybrid corporation like marketing, accounts, or basic programming while sitting at a computer like ordinary boring job. uncle does, John; oh no, this magical uncle works in a special secret that no one has ever heard of.
Obviously, the Nintendo owner uncle you’re talking to can’t go into detail about this special project bunker because, you know, it’s a secret, uncles’ days were apparently spent watching all sorts of Nintendo mystical stuff and then, for some reason, often breaking legally binding and career-ending non-disclosure agreements just so their niece or nephew could share juicy gossip online. The new Zelda will only be in the cloud version! Mario will be in Pokémon Graphite! Nintendo will stop making consoles!
Uncle Nintendo – Myth
Historians suggest that the Uncle Nintendo myth is so strong that it may even predate the Japanese hanafuda card maker itself; a story capable of transcending time, space, and basic common sense thanks to the sheer number of people who called upon this ephemeral being.
But What for? Why do people do it? And why do we allow them?
You can have as many uncles as you want, they can have different ages, they can live anywhere and anytime – and no one can prove otherwise
Part of that tall tale comes down to how perfect the script is if you’re the type of person who desperately wants your social group to hang on to your every word in no time. You can have as many uncles as you want, they can have different ages, they can live anywhere and anytime – and no one can prove otherwise.
There is some built-in safety in the fact that it’s not uncommon for your friends to not have met any of your uncles at all (especially one who is currently very busy working at Nintendo), and unless someone tries to pull off the rare “reverse double uncles” – a statement that your uncle can’t possibly work at Nintendo because everyone knows for sure that their uncle works there – your claim is pretty well protected from casual public scrutiny. No matter how many times it’s been said, the Nintendo Uncle setup is always plausible enough for uninitiated listeners to let the spinner go on.
And that’s where the rest of us come in. The Nintendo Uncle survives into the modern age because we love hearing these ridiculous lies as much as some people enjoy telling them.
3rd part of the game “Half-Life it’s a Switch exclusive, isn’t it? You are welcome, tell me more. Have you heard the new Nintendo Labo the kit will be released next year and will include a special F-zero controller but can’t you tell why? Oh come on, you tease! Your uncle Nintendo lent you a prototype N64 cart that Mother 3 in English? Of course he did – spill those beans! Konami is about to celebrate the 35th anniversary of its ever-popular Castlevania a series not with a new collection of games or a super-expensive collectible, but with a bunch of NFTs? OKAY, currently you push it. Like they ever…
Uncle Nintendo – Statistics
By our own estimates, there are at least 160,300 uncles working directly at Nintendo at any given time, and they are all working on top-secret Switch 3D Pro Advance hardware projects and giving away game prototypes that their nieces and nieces are not allowed to show to anyone, such as pokemon sword Turbo Stadium and Kirby Super Star: Uncensored edition – The episode where DeDeDe dies with blood, guts and everything.
However, this estimate presents a bit of a problem, as last year’s annual report shows Nintendo has 6,574 employees worldwide and 3,411 self-identified employees as male. For the sake of argument, let’s be incredibly generous and assume that each of them is real Uncle Nintendo, whether young interns, grizzled directors or creative colleagues.
According to the latest figures at the time of this writing, the Switch has sold nearly 93 million units. Let’s also assume that each hypothetical real Uncle Nintendo has a neat pair of “brothers” who each bought one of those 93 million Switches. If our calculations are correct, then at best, about 0.007% of Switch owners actually have an uncle working for Nintendo somewhere.
This means that the chance of MIYAM0T0S_HAIR is very low. could tell the truth when they say they have a special switch with a 3DS cart slot, and that Halo Infinite will definitely come to Switch next year.
Uncle Nintendo – True
And yet, despite all the hardships and the wildest rumors that people supposedly heard straight from the mouths of their uncles at Nintendo, sometimes, only sometimes, these far-fetched stories turn out to be true. Sonic games on a Nintendo system? Yes, right! Oh wait, no, it actually happened. In fact, quite a lot happened. And it keeps happening.
Nearly every round of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate ever played is the stories of an entire Nintendo Uncle chat server brought to life.
Nearly every round of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate ever played is the stories of an entire Nintendo Uncle chat server brought to life. Bayonetta teams up with Snake from Metal Gear Solid to defeat Marth and Sephiroth from Fire Emblem. Glory of Final Fantasy VII on top of the Silph Co building. from Pokémon? This is what you can do right now.
For a while, Nintendo did use satellites to broadcast all of its new Zelda, F-zero, and Kirby (mini) games at home. Maybe it’s not Uncle Nintendo’s house. There may not even be many Japanese households that could potentially sign up for Satellaview’s service, but for a while, this unlikely fact was completely true.
And, of course, we have all heard that especially crazy the fiction that Nintendo is completely abandoning the separate markets for home and handheld devices in order to create a strange hybrid console with removable controllers that is designed for everything at once. Is it sure it will never work?
What was your favorite uncle-based Nintendo rumor? What revelations from your dear old uncle did you break on the playground? Let us know below.