In the magazine business, the back page is the place to find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are indirectly related to the content of the magazine.”
We don’t have (paper) pages on the web, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular column, Back page. Today, with a Super Mario Bros. movie looming in the not-too-distant future, we’re wondering what it would be like if Mario had his own sitcom…
Mario is coming soon to a streaming platform near you. This show is about nothing.”
Well… We a wish it was soon. Just recently, we stumbled upon what appears to be a significant set of preliminary documents regarding the sitcom Mario, which seemingly never got off the ground. The documents include casting for the main characters, as well as four scripted scenes featuring Mario himself, Luigi, Peach, Toad, and Bowser.
The sitcom itself was presented as a “show about nothing” depicting Mario’s daily life along with his friends (and a few enemies) in the Mushroom Kingdom. How can you do a show about nothing, you ask? Well, what did you do today? Perhaps you’ve been lounging on the couch watching 90 Day Fiancé while munching on brie? Well, here’s your show! This show.
However, it may sounds pretty familiar to some, and we suspect that this may be why it never entered service. However, for a look at the core cast of characters, check out this copy of the casting request we received below:
The fun doesn’t end there! Below is an example of Mario’s pilot scenario, depicting four scenes involving the main characters and the situations they find themselves in…
International Cafe Lakitu – Day
Mario and Luigi are sitting in a booth drinking coffee and discussing Mario’s breakup with Peach.
Luigi: Why do they make sugar cubes? What’s the point of sugar cubes? Wouldn’t it be more efficient to just store the sugar in a container and we’ll add accurate required amount? You have to be so careful with cubes – one is small, two are many – this is absurd!
Mario: Luigi, will you just add a cube?
Luigi: I add, I add. So you got up last night?
Mario: Well, I ironed my clothes, watched some Yoshi’s Love Island, and ate a very tasty burrito. Oh, and Peach cut ties with me.
Luigi plops down into his coffee.
Luigi: Wait, wait, she What kind? What is it, what happened?
Mario: She gave me everything routine “it’s not you, it’s me”can you believe it?
Luigi: This is what you came up with!
Mario: I know! We’ll still be friends; in fact, she’s coming over tonight to pick up the air conditioner from Toad.
Luigi: Why does Toad need a spare air conditioner?
Mario: I don’t know why Toad anything? He is a mystery.
Luigi takes a sip of coffee and immediately spits it out.
Luigi: Ouch, God… See? Too sweet!
International Mario’s Apartment – Day
Mario is standing at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. The apartment’s front door swings open and Toad slides inside at top speed.
Mario: Hey whats up?
Toad: Look, I have a great idea for your plumbing business, Mario, are you going to love It. So you sit there for hours and think “oh dude, this plumbing makes me thirsty!“but you forgot your water bottle at home! Well, listen… A water bottle with a hex neck.. So when you’re fixing pipes and the like, you can keep the bottle as your main bolt tightening tool. and you can quench your thirst at the same time!
Mario: Toad, this is disgusting, do you think I want to put something in my mouth that has been in contact with toilet pipes? Plus, all the water will run out!
Toad: It will come with a microfiber cloth and an anti-spill mechanism, Mario, I got it!
Mario: No, I do not think so.
The bell rings at the apartment door. Mario answers.
Peach: It’s Peach!
Mario: Get up.
Toad: So what do you think, are you going to go for it?
Mario: No, of course not!
Toad: Oh come on, it will make your life so much better!
Through the open door of the apartment, a figure creeps into view. This is Bowser. Mario and Bowser look at each other with complete contempt.
Mario: Hey, Bowser.
Bowser: Hello, Mario.
Mario: What you to want?
Bowser: I’m here to return Toad’s air conditioner. It’s just outside the door.
Toad: Oh nice, thanks! Yes, this is for Peach.
Bowser: Peach? Really? Is she coming here?
Mario: Do not even think about it!
Bowser: Come on, Mario, you have to help me, what is her hobby? Where does she like to eat? you have to give me something!
Mario: Peach wouldn’t date you if you were the last Koopa in the Mushroom Kingdom, I promise you!
Bowser: Curse you Mario.
Peach comes to the door and enters the apartment.
Peach: Hi guys!
She spots Bowser and her smile falls faster than a bowling ball.
Bowser: Why, hello t-
Peach: Not if you were the last koopa in the Mushroom Kingdom, mate.
Bowser: Heck! Well, then I’ll go. Thanks for the “help”, Mario… I hope your mail doesn’t get through. Lost in the coming days… Bye-bye… Mario… Ehehehehehe!
Bowser leaves in a cruel delight.
Mario: [under his breath] Bowser!
International Polina’s Pullovers – Day
Mario helps Luigi find the perfect birthday present for Peach. They end up at Pauline’s Pullover, a clothing store in the Mushroom Kingdom’s commercial district.
Luigi: Look, do I really have to give Peach such an extravagant gift?
Mario: She gave you an interview, it’s the least you can do!
Luigi: I know, but I just don’t know what to take. What to give the princess?
Mario: Well what about this?
Mario chooses a stunning pink cashmere sweater.
Luigi: What is cashmere?
Mario: I think so.
Luigi: Who doesn’t love cashmere? Come on, it’s too expensive.
Mario: Wait wait wait. Hey, that’s 50 coins instead of 500!
Luigi: Which? How?
Mario: Oh… here… There’s a red dot here. See it? The label says “Non-Exchangeable”.
Mario passes the sweater to Luigi.
Luigi: Do you think she’d be interested in a red dot?
Mario: Hard to say!
Luigi: I don’t even think she would have noticed it – do you see it?
Mario: Well, I see, I know where it is.
Luigi: Pretend you don’t know… Do you see?
Mario: I can’t pretend, I already see – I can’t unsee what I’ve already seen!
Luigi: Take a look, just review!
Mario: Want an overview? I see a stingy person trying to avoid something, this is my review!
International Mario’s Apartment – Day
Peach has a birthday. She enters Mario’s apartment. Mario and Luigi are already hanging out and Luigi is looking forward to getting Peach for his birthday, afraid that she might notice the red spot.
Mario: Happy birthday!
Luigi’s nerves twitch.
Luigi: Happy birthday, Peach – uh-uh. I, uhh, I have something for you.
He hands Peach a wrapped cashmere sweater.
Peach: Oh, Luigi, you didn’t have to!
She rips off the wrapper in one elegant swoop. Her mouth stretches into a wide smile.
Peach: Oh my God, is that cashmere…?
Luigi’s confidence immediately returns. He chuckles.
Luigi: Oh, of course it’s cashmere!
Peach: Wow, this is amazing! It’s one of the nicest things you’ll ever do – it must have cost a fortune! Mario, how could you let him spend so much?
Mario: Oh, I tried to stop him, trust me!
Peach puts on a cashmere jumper. Meanwhile, Toad slips into the apartment.
Toad: Yooooo! Hey Peach, happy birthday! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Peach: Oh yes, Luigi made it for me – nice, huh?
Peach turns to the toad in confusion. Mario and Luigi look at each other in horror.
She notices a stain on the cashmere and her face darkens.
Peach: What is it?! Luigi..??
Peach looks up, her face flushed with rage. Luigi has already sneaked out of the apartment.
It says “hit” everywhere, right? I don’t understand how this pilot season didn’t pass. Perhaps Netflix will bring it back as an alternative or analogue to the upcoming Super Mario Bros. movie; Loki for the movie Mario Avengers! Definitely.
If you have any thoughts on how else Mario & Co. could be featured in film or television, then let us know in the comments.