Gaming

How to make your own monster name in Xenoblade Chronicles 3

In the magazine business, the back page is the place to find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes indirectly related to the content of the magazine.”

We don’t have pages on the web, but we still love creepy jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular Back Page feature.


You know, when I was little, monsters had reasonable names. Names like “Bowser” and “Ganon”, “Ridley” and “Sephiroth”. Cool mononyms, you know, like Cher and Madonna. They are memorable. punchy. Reasonable. If Bowser has a last name, I don’t know it and don’t want to know.

Currently, you are less likely to be caught fighting Nemesis or Mother Brain, and more likely to face someone called Ceaseless Discharge, a Dark Souls boss that I still don’t know. I can not believe it exist. Please don’t call your horrible bosses after biological fluids! This is strange!!!

Additional continuous discharge
This is Continuous Discharge. I would call him something like “Fire Boy”.

At the same time… I like it. I am really. I love the moment I enter the arena with the boss and the name pops up and I find out that this huge behemoth I have to defeat has a name like GERALD NEVER TENDER, SCHFELL’S DESTROYER. It gives me a bit of a sexy story. A bit of intrigue. I want to know more about Gerald as much as I want to plunge a sword into one of his eighteen faces. Why has he never been married? Was it because of his penchant for destroying buffets? Was his bride a smorgasbord? I need to know!

The latest game to use this, shall we say, Tolkienian approach to naming its monsters is Xenoblade Chronicles 3, which, by the way, I haven’t played yet, as I discussed in the above video with one of our video guys, Zion . But I have saw a list of what the game called “Unique Monsters” and I have to say that this might be what actually makes me want to play the game.

Here’s what I can tell you about Xenoblade Chronicles 3 from his… interesting naming conventions:

Petrivore Yudomar

You may have heard the word “petrichor”, the name of the smell of the earth after rain. But have you heard of… Petrieat? It is a combination of the Greek “petra” meaning “stone” and the Latin “vorare” meaning to eat. Judomar likes to eat rocks. This is the defining quality of Judomar. From the looks of it, he’s a dinosaur guy with a big old mouth to crunch on. And you know what they say: you have to work with what your mom gave you, and in this case it was a big old crunch mouth. Live your life, Judomar.

Smart Tracy

It is absolutely similar to the soft but passive-aggressive nickname used in the staff room to describe one very talkative girl in their class. And is it such a normal name? Tracey? I love that there are monsters named TRACY like they were born in the 1970s. Smart Tracy had a massive perm and too many bracelets. Now she runs a PR company.

Unobtrusive Liggy

I looked up what Unobtrusive Liggy is, and it’s a spider. I like that. Spiders tend to be rather unobtrusive – they spin small webs in corners and usually try to stay away unless they get stuck in the tub. However. I can’t forgive the writers and/or the localization team for the name of the spider character “Liggy”. “Long-legged” type. Because it’s a spider. Come on guys.

Mobile Vespa

I don’t believe it’s a monster. This is an Italian scooter.

Jingo Giant

XC3 Jingo Giant
It’s him. This is a boy

Jingoism No an adjective I thought I’d see in a JRPG someday! I usually hear it almost entirely in the context of Brexit given that it means “nationalism marked by a particularly militant foreign policy” and while I’m not getting into politics here (that’s a stupid monster article, mate), it’s pretty unusual, which makes me want to know more.

Gigantus actually has a picture on the Xenoblade wiki and is a large orange gorilla/baboon hybrid. I have no idea what he’s all about chauvinism. Does he run the country? Does he have a foreign policy? Why is it important to know that he is extremely patriotic when fighting him? To be honest, I can’t wait to find out.

(Additional note: clearly chauvinistic giant and Territorial Rothbart the same enemies. Maybe they’re just compiling a thesaurus for the word “territorial”?)

Kilocorn Grandeps

Kilocorn Grandeps raises one important question: Does it have 1,000 horns like a unicorn? Or is he just bragging about how much corn he has? Probably the former. But I hope for the latter.

Promising Francis

We all had dreams. The budding Francis dreams of becoming the real Francis someday. He probably won’t, as your mission is to kill him. So sad.

Sensitive Catullus

800px Catullus Sirmione
This is the Sensitive Catullus. The real, not the monster Xenoblade – Image: shorle

They named the monster Xenoblade after… a Roman poet from the first century BC. Of course, why not. No one would blink an eye if your two children were named Tracey and Catullus, right?

Catullus – real, not monstrous – is well known for his poems, which in many ways deal with his extreme obsession with his married girlfriend. Occasionally he also writes on other topics, such as cool boats or how much he hates just about anyone who feels bad about his poetry. It’s fair to say that the man was “sensitive.”

I legally cannot imagine a monster with that name.

Husky Ron

Sounds like the stage name of the weird clown your uncle invited to your birthday party. He smells of cigarettes and divorce.

Househunter Carly

Do you all watch Grand Designs? It’s a show in which a pleasant, jaded man named Kevin McCloud goes to meet a couple who are embarking on an underfunded, hugely ambitious housing project, like “what if the house was inside a mountain” or “we’re going to build three houses.” -story mansion made of nothing but bottles.” Kevin says, “That’s a stupid idea.” He then visits them a year or two later and finds that their house is still a pile of dirt. He then says, “I told you so.” .

Anyway, I imagine Carly’s Househunter fight is similar to this one, except you’re playing as Kevin McCloud and you have to beat her by convincing her that £1,000 isn’t enough to renovate the kitchen.

indiscreet Gombaba

Gombaba is not so much a monster as a friend who cannot be trusted with a single secret. Don’t say anything to the immodest Gombaba, because the first thing they will do is tell the person in question. This boss fight, I guess, just catches up with Gombaba for drinks and doesn’t let them Any juicy information, instead keeping the conversation going on safe topics like the weather and sports. Terribly boring.

Come up with your own stupid monster name Xenoblade

Pull out your D20, drop it twice, here’s your Xenoblade Chronicles monster:

Number Throw one Roll two
one cromulan Crustablob
2 milky Flambyard
3 demagnetized Crabcrabcrabcrab
four Goupi nintendoswitch
5 Sauce flavored Wallace
6 Warm Julius Caesar
7 Tax avoidance a sip
eight octogenarian Toyota
9 artificial sour pikachu
ten Sticky Cheesebeast
eleven microwave grandfather
12 crumpled Speeeeeeeeee
13 Complete Bismoid
fourteen Internet Soup
fifteen Free game gascoigne
16 Anonymous Cryptocurrency
17 individually packaged Leg
eighteen Law fredward
19 Travel size (frog)
twenty Father Brian

Dazed Jerome
Unbelievable, but this is “Dazed Jerome”

Apparently, all Xenoblade games are like that. Other monsters include, and I’m not making this up, “Stunned Jerome” and “Musical Flash,” which sounds like a fancy term for a really loud machine. It’s pardonable to think that “Mysterious Barnaby”, “Unreliable Rezno” and “The Last Marcus” were Beatles b-sides written by Ringo, and that you should see a doctor if you ever come across “Calm Aglovale”, otherwise it turns into “Combustible Raxeal” or worse, “Peeling Kircheis”.

You know, I could have played Xenoblade Chronicles a long time ago if it meant I could meet someone with that name. Chubby Sprada. I’m just saying.




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