Crapshoot: The Jack Sparrow game with an indescribably bad PC port

From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column on the roll of the dice to bring random dark games to light. This week, you’d think it’s any port in a storm, but there’s only one to choose from – a rotten, larval-infested port that finds new dimensions of suck.

Forget the Dark Souls PC port. Darksiders 2 is missing a few options? Pffft. Sure, at first glance that kind of thing may score high on the ol betrayal card, but for me? No Because I played The Legend of Jack Sparrow, one of the most half-arsed ports in the history of mainstream franchises.

Yeah, it’s really that bad. Sit back and watch as a phenomenal concept turns out to be the adventure that really set the “Yaaarh!” in “Yaaarh, I was just stabbed in the balls with a fork!”

Now, I loved the original Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and while the sequences are down and take the ball more often than a juggling apprentice, even their worst moments weren’t enough to dampen the original grandeur. A small action on the high seas. Adventure. Funny dialogue. Imaginative escapes. The change of concept genius — a pirate ship looking for it come back stolen treasure. And of course, Jack Sparrow, who is certainly a complete cartoon after so many sequences, parodies, spin-offs and that God-horrible fourth film. When he debuted though, it was a breath of fresh air, a deceptive mentor who stole the show from its first scene until the moment he left for the credits at the end.