In the magazine business, the back page is the place to find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are indirectly related to the content of the magazine.” We don’t have pages on the web, but we still love creepy jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular Back Page feature.
Today Kate is dreaming of Christmas at 30 frames per second…
This year at Christmas I do the same thing that I did last year at Christmas. And the year before, too, thanks to this whole daring pandemic. I stay at home accompanied by my partner, my Christmas tree, my big pile of presents and my partner’s family (not in that order of preference, of course) and we’ll cook the big turkey I just bought last night, which is fun – I usually cook chicken . You didn’t ask, I know, but I tell you anyway.
However, my cozy Chrimbo family doesn’t mean I can’t dream of fantasy inside a video game, where Christmas trees are low-poly, stockings are voxels, and Santa looks a lot like an Italian plumber. So, join me on a fast-paced winter journey through the holiday destinations of my dreams…
Delibird will come down the chimney tonight and hopefully bring me a ton of XL Exp. Candy, some nuggets and Shiny Ditto (I know, I know – Ditto for life, not just for Christmas).
I don’t know if they celebrate Christmas in Paldea, but if so, I would like to take part in some Spanish traditions with my Skeledirge next to me. Let’s grab a big old Lechonca ham, have a lunch of Rioja and watch the snow fall on Mount Glaceado. I’ll bring the most festive sandwich I can think of.
Cult of the Lamb
I’ve been in charge of Christmas Dinner for a few years now and I love it. I feel like a big boss chef, marching through the kitchen, checking cooking times against a Gantt chart, and scheduling as if my life depended on it. But the only thing that makes it a little less stressful is, of course, the sous chefs – people I can instruct and direct to take some tasks off my oven-burned hands.
Enter Cult of the Lamb, the game that makes my wildest dreams come true: to have a whole bunch of cute little creatures ready to do my bidding, even if those biddings include their own ritual sacrifice. And, look, even Christmas dinner is less demanding, so I’m sure they’d be more than happy to chop carrots and peel potatoes instead of having their eyes sucked out by some supernatural being.
Kirby and the Forgotten Land
Admit it: everyone is inclined towards Christmas, right? There’s always some edible treat in a stocking, and while none of them can be the size of a car, we’re all a bit inclined to eat more chocolate than we normally would on any other day of the year. Like Kirby, we all get a little pink and round by the end of the night.
Kirby’s adorable Switch outing also includes some adorable snow-themed levels that include all the cute frosty stuff that makes winter bearable: little penguins in knit hats, snow-covered cobbled streets, ice skating, and a slightly demonic King Dedede waiting to hit you with a hammer, as is customary in the Christmas tradition. Oww, Didide, you remembered!
The creepy nature of Inscryption makes it an unlikely candidate for the Christmas holidays, but here’s my idea: a cozy cabin in the woods (wow, what a winter), a group of people to buy gifts for (Ermine, Wolf, Stinky, Prospector, Angler, Game Master and many others ), as well as a board game – doesn’t that just sound right? exactly how is christmas?
Sure, there might be some sinister vibes, and the board game isn’t exactly fun (because the death threat is obviously looming), but then again, it sounds like a family Christmas to us.
A little to the left
I admit it: one of the best parts of Christmas is putting all the wrapping paper in a big bag.
But since I’m small so-and-so, environmentally conscious, for a while I prefer to pack Christmas bags, hand-sewn from Christmas fabric, with little ribbons on the drawstrings, decorated with fancy tissue paper and other things. decor that I reuse every year. Doesn’t sound as sexy as the rustling of fresh wrapping paper, I know, but I still enjoy it – after all the gifts are finished and done with, I stack the bags and put away the reusable boxes for the next one. a year, straightening out the crumpled wrapping paper and carefully removing the tape from the gift tags so I can save them to remember day after day.
So, of course, Christmas spent in the world of A Little to the Left – where everything should be exactly It would be a wonderful day, wouldn’t it? Imagine all the spare AA batteries lined up in a neat little row; laying out Christmas cards from distant relatives in size; Put all the laces that got your new Barbie locked in a plastic jail in a small ziplock bag for safekeeping. I can be a little fussy when it comes to organizing, but I get almost as much enjoyment from it as I do from the gifts themselves.
Disney Dream Valley
Your 400 pumpkins need to be watered and won’t wait for you simply because it’s Christmas, so you roll out of bed (just kidding, you can’t use beds) to tend your garden before you get pestered by the rat from Ratatouille (who lives in a mansion bigger than your house) and Scar (who calls you ugly and stupid).
Anna, Elsa and Kristoff – your most likely Christmas companions – bring you gifts in the form of an ugly new jumper and a request for 500 clay. Scrooge gives you a coupon for 5% off everything in the store, but tells you that it won’t be valid until the new year. You return to your home, make yourself a gingerbread house as a snack, and eat it all in one bite.
I actually think DDV might be a good place to spend Christmas since the latest update added a bunch of very cute holiday furniture and recipes, but its inhabitants leave a lot to be desired. They never give, just take! The other day, one of Anna’s “favorite gifts” for the day was a BRILLIANT! And what will I get in return? Friendship Points. I mean, I fucking hope you consider the person giving you FREE DIAMONDS at least a friend, Anna.
Wake up at sunrise in a cute little spruce cottage of your own design and celebrate Christmas by feeding your chickens… after. Start a fire disguised as a real fire, eat a whole pie, and then gently roast a chicken over a lava cube before opening all your presents (spoilers, it’s more cubes). Unfortunately, Christmas is interrupted by a creeper providing you with a new open plan front door. Well, at least now it will be easier for Santa to get inside. next Christmas.
Minecraft has that perfect coziness that I love about Christmas – a large enough living room, the gentle bleating and mooing of captive pets, and snowy biomes in particular create a special Christmas atmosphere. I would even have the desire to break into one of the houses in the tundra village just for this unique (muppet) Christmas carol the atmosphere of waking up in a bustling downtown, exchanging treats with other villagers, and meeting at a well to exchange stories about what you just unwrapped. Doesn’t that sound great?
On the opposite end of the spectrum from all that cozy family time is that Christmas moment when you spent a week’s social energy in just five hours and you really, Indeed I just want to be alone. You can lock yourself in the bathroom, but there’s only one in my house, and I don’t want anyone wondering if the turkey came in with a surprise Christmas present of food poisoning.
But what if I could just throw myself into space and go for a swim? What if I could fly to another planet, collect some supplies, build myself a small base, and shut down completely? Astroneer is an incredibly lonely game, but in a better way. No one messes with my neatly organized storage system, no one steals all my oxygen, no one knocks on the door and says, KATE, YOU REALLY CAN’T HAVE THIS LONG BATH, I JUST DRINKED A JUG OF EGG LEG. . Ahh. Bliss.
If the Christmas fairy granted your wish, which video game would you like to spend the holidays in? Tell us about your perfect gaming getaway in the comments below – ho ho!